Don't ignore the signs!!

A tourist was driving down a desert road and came upon a sign that read, ROAD CLOSED. DO NOT ENTER. He thought the road looked passable, so he ignored the sign and continued driving down the road.
A mile later, he came to a bridge that was out. He turned around and drove back in the direction he came from. As he approached the warning sign, he read on the other side: WELCOME BACK. TOLD YOU SO!

I read this story in a jokebook! But isn't it so like us? We tend to ignore warnings and think we know what's best. Then somewhere along the line we realize that the warning was right after all and we wish we had listened.
God's Word is full of warnings! Do we listen to them or do we ignore them?
Parents give us warnings! Do we just think we know better?
Remember this story next time you are given a warning.
Be wise and listen!

Grumble Family

 There's a family nobody likes to meet;
They live, it is said, on Complaining Street
In the city of Never-Are-Satisfied,
The River of Discontent beside.

They growl at that and they growl at this;
Whatever comes, there is something amiss;
And whether their station be high or humble,
They are all known by the name of Grumble.

The weather is always too hot or cold;
Summer and winter alike they scold.
Nothing goes right with the folks you meet
Down on that gloomy Complaining Street.

They growl at the rain and they growl at the sun;
In fact, their growling is never done.
And if everything pleased them, there isn't a doubt
They'd growl that they'd nothing to grumble about!

But the queerest thing is that not one of the same
Can be brought to acknowledge his family name;
For never a Grumbler will own that he
Is connected with it at all, you see.

The worst thing is that if anyone stays
Among them too long, he will learn their ways;
And before he dreams of the terrible jumble
He's adopted into the family of Grumble.

And so it were wisest to keep our feet
From wandering into Complaining Street;
And never to growl, whatever we do,
Lest we be mistaken for Grumblers, too.

Let us learn to walk with a smile and a song,
No matter if things do sometimes go wrong;
And then, be our station high or humble,
We'll never belong to the family of Grumble!
~Anonymous~

Laugh it Off

"A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones."   Proverbs 17:22

Are you worsted in a fight?

Are you cheated of your right?

Laugh it off.
Don't make tragedies of trifles,

Don't shoot butterflies with rifles--

Laugh it off.

Does your work get into kinks?

Are you near all sorts of brinks?

Laugh it off.

If it's sanity you're after,

There's no recipe like laughter--

Laugh it off.

Airplane Humor

It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

She replied, "Yes or No."

Working at an airline ticket counter, I pulled up a passenger's reservation that showed his name as "Cole, Pheven."

"I'd like to be certain our information is correct," I said to him. "What is your first name?"

"It's Stephen," he replied. "I hope the reservation agent got it right. I told him it's spelled with a ph."

En route to Hawaii, I noticed one of my passengers in the coach section of the airplane dialing her cell phone. "Excuse me. That can't be on during the flight," I reminded her. "Besides, we're over the ocean— You won't get a signal out here."

"That's okay," she said. "I'm just calling my daughter. She's sitting up in first class."

 

(A true story)

David, my brother-in-law, works in commercial advertising and as part of his work, he travels quite a bit. He and his camera crew were going through airport security in New Orleans a few years ago. One of the camera cases had plastic tie strips on it to prevent it from opening during the flight. The TSA inspector seemed confused by the plastic zip ties.

He looked at David and said, "I'm going to have to break these to inspect this case."

David said, "Okay."

Then the TSA inspector paused and asked, "Do you have a knife so I can cut these off?"

David had just passed through the security scanner so he said, "No. I'm not allowed to have one."
The inspector said, "Oh, yeah." And let them go without inspecting the case.

Something to make you smile!! :)

Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise.

"Does anyone know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed limit is in our parking lot?"

The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. "That depends. Do you mean coming to work or leaving?"

The salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in the department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.

Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said,

"And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside..."

Some of the most tactful people on Earth are our English friends. A British office supervisor once called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired. He started the conversation with: "Miss Symthe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we're going to try."

During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense.

After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?"

The student replied. "BIG ones."

Bernard Lind was retired, but took odd jobs to make a little extra money. One of his jobs was a taxi driver.

The cab company had a sign posted in all their cars saying, "Your driver is: ______"

Bernie always got a kick out of watching his rider's reactions when they read, "Your driver is: B.LIND."

A Double Positive

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day. “In the English language,” he said, “ a double negative forms a positive. In other languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room said, “Yeah, right.”

Most-wanted Men

A group of kindergarteners was on a class outing to its local police station where the kids saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the ten most-wanted men.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

“Yes,” answered the policeman.

“Well,” wondered the child, “why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?”

Ernie and Bernie put on their ice skates and ventured out onto the frozen lake. After skating in circles for a while, Ernie stopped and asked Bernie, “do you think there are any ducks around here?”

“Of course not,” answered Bernie. “they all flew south for the winter.”

“Well, in that case,” replied Ernie in a panicky voice, “I think the ice is quacking!”

Can you drive a Bren Carrier?

A Funny Story about Brother Andrew.

 This story happened when he was in the army, and it was before he was a Christian.

   ….Part of the education of a commando was the development of self-confidence. But here I needed no schooling. From childhood I had had a completely unfounded confidence in my ability to do anything I set out to do.

Like drive a Bren carrier, for instance. These were heavy armored vehicles mounted on caterpillar treads, and handling them was difficult even for someone who could drive an automobile—which I could not. Bu each day as we went out on maneuvers I watched the driver of the carrier on which I rode, until it seemed to me that I had the hang of it.

Unexpectedly one day I had a chance to find out. Coming out of company headquarters, I ran into an officer.

“Can you drive a Bren carrier, soldier?”

A quick salute and an even quicker, “Yes, sir.”

Well, that one there has to go to the garage. Let’s go.”

In front of us at the curb was the carrier. Three hundred yards away was the garage. Seven other carriers were parked there, nose to tail, waiting to be serviced. I hopped snappily into the driver’s seat while the officer climbed in beside me. I looked at the dashboard. There in front of me was a key, and I remembered that the driver always turned that first of all. Sure enough the engine coughed once and then caught. Now which of those pedals was the clutch? I pressed one of them and it went to the floor, and I knew I had been lucky twice in a row. I put the carrier into gear, let go of the clutch pedal, and with a great kangaroo leap we launched into space.

The officer looked at me quickly but said nothing: no Bren carrier ever starts smoothly. But as I raced full throttle down the company street, I noticed that he was holding on with both hands and bracing his feet. We covered the three hundred yards with only one near-accident-a sergeant who discovered on the spot how great were his powers of flight—and then we came to the line of carriers.

And I knew that I was in trouble.

I didn’t know where the brake was.

Arms flailing and feet flying, I tried every button and lever I could find. Among the things I pushed was the accelerator, and with one last surge of power we plowed into the row of Bren carriers parked at the curb. All seven of them bucked forward, each slamming against the other, until we came to a rest, hissing and smoking, our engine at last dead.

I looked at the officer. He stared straight ahead of him, his eyes large, sweat pouring down the sides of his face. He got out of the car, crossed himself, and walked away without one turning to look at me. The sergeant ran up to me and pulled me out of the driver’s seat.

“What on earth got into you, soldier?”

“He asked me if I knew how to drive it, sergeant. He didn’t ask if I knew how to stop!”

Married Life

1^st man: How's your married life going?

2^nd man: great! My wife really worships me. She puts before me three burnt offerings every day!

Slow to Apologize

Why are giraffes usually slow to apologize?

It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.

A little boy knocked on the door of the teachers' lounge and said, “Did anyone lose $50 attached to a rubber band?”

“Why, yes,” said one of the teachers.

“Well, today's your lucky day,” said the boy. 'I found the rubber band.”

Teacher: “Carol, use the word “centimeter” in a sentence.”

Carol: “When my aunt arrived at the airport my dad was centimeter.”

This May Hurt a Bit

The dentist was straightforward with his patient. “Now, this may hurt a bit. We're going to have to give you a shot of local anesthesia.”

The patient took the shot in stride, and after the anesthesia had taken effect, the dentist began to drill. Later, job done, he let the patient out of the chair.

The patient turned before leaving and remarked, “Now, this may hurt a bit. I don't have the money to pay....”